Four Days Out; To Fade or Shine

 In Blog, Competition, Inspiration

These last couple weeks of prep for my competition have brought up some internal stuff. Stuff that I might have deflected in the past. But I feel too evolved — an evolution that may just come with age — to shy away from much now. Lately, I’ve tackled a lot externally. I might as well take on the bigger stuff that comes from within, too.

During the last six months, I’ve reinforced my tenacious ability to stay in the grind of something. This isn’t new for me. I’ve endured way harder and realer things since an early age. But my ability to enjoy a grind has dramatically changed. This contest prep never felt unbearable, overly-obsessive, overly-extreme or in any way a beat down. I’ve had a great time with it all simply because I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t let any of it ever feel overly anything. I’m not saying it didn’t get hard. The hardness just never crossed into miserable. I am also very good at not letting my self-worth get tangled with results or lack of results. That has been a life-long practice. I worked very hard to keep this process worthwhile and exploratory, which made it fun – deeper than fun. It made this journey important.

Staying in the grind and discovering new ways to enjoy it has been exhilarating. But it doesn’t mean I know how to finish a personal endeavor well. I’m not saying I’m one to leave projects undone. Hardly! What I’m talking about is finishing something with such a force and with such conviction in myself that the outcome will only rely on someone else bringing a better game than I could have in that particular moment. And honestly, I’m not sure if I’ve ever done that.

I tend to dazzle people with the unexpected. I’ve often been the only girl to play with boys throughout my athletic career. I think of sports and competition as literary. I love to mash seemly contradictory things together, like veganism and CrossFit, or my athletic background with the glam sport of bikini bodybuilding. So with that unexpectancy comes no expectation for an outcome, actually. Who knew, before you met me, that a vegan could thrive at CrossFit? There were no expectations. Who knew a girl could play pick-up ball in the park with a bunch of shit-talking guys, which meant my occasional jumper or stolen pass was plenty to get me respect. I didn’t have to do much more. Though I am genuinely drawn to contradictions and erasing judgment on both sides, I have realized in the last few weeks that I have let myself off the hook because of it. The uniqueness of my quests have been the highlight, never what happens in the end.

I don’t need to win this contest. The journey has been so good, but I’m challenging – with quite a bit of raw anxiety – my tendency to fade energetically at the end of things. I’ve definitely dazzled again with the idea of a 47 year old vegan prepping for a bikini competition. The priority of this journey has absolutely been to inspire anyone to go for whatever they want – even if it seems wildly outrageous, even if you feel too old, or not good enough; even if a vegan or woman (or fill in your own blank) isn’t “supposed” to do it or do it well. Though all of that remains the priority, I didn’t know that in the weeks right before I’m to step on stage that this idea of charging the end would be so important for me.

Being “in service of” has always taken top bill; to my daughters, my family, my community, the women I lead. But this self-permission to really shine at the end is strictly for me. It will only make me better to whom I serve, too.

Whatever I do on stage will be fine and enough. I believe this to be true. The outcome does not matter. But that doesn’t mean I can’t put myself deeply on the line and do everything in my power — up until the last click-click-clicky steps on stage in Lucite heels — to do my damnedest to possibly win and positively shine.

It’s hard not to with all the rhinestones.

Tuesday’s Workout

A) Back squat (Use 90% of 1RM as 1RM)
60% x 5
65% x 5
70% x 5

B) Double under skill practice

C) EMOM 10 at ≤70 RPE
1st min: 2-6 Squat snatches (50%)
2nd min: 8-15 Wallballs to 10’
**30sec Cap each round**

And Coming Wednesday

“Franklin Hill 100’s”
4 Rounds on the 9:00
4 x 100m on the :90
**See 1/21/15**



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