The Top Five Ways to Gain a TON of Holiday Weight
An article brought to you by our friends over at the Whole Life Challenge.
You worked hard to keep yourself healthy and fit this year, didn’t you? Well, those of us over at the Whole Life Challenge headquarters have decided that there’s no better way to celebrate all the positive choices you made … than by adding a ton of holiday weight between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Eve.
And we aren’t talking about muscle mass. We are talking about good, old-fashioned fat. After all, doesn’t everyone want to get nice-and-squishy during the holidays?
So throw out everything you know about health and fitness, my friend! Here is our countdown of the top five ways to gain a TON of holiday weight, brought to you by the high-level advisory board at the Whole Life Challenge headquarters.
- Start by fasting all day before a celebration.
There’s no smarter strategy for kicking off the holidays and setting the foundation for gaining a ton of weight than by waking up on Thanksgiving morning and forgoing your healthy and normal-sized breakfast. When you starve yourself all day long, you will be sure to binge on the stuffing and mashed potatoes. And what better way to add all sorts of weight than by shoving boatloads of starchy carbs into your mouth?
And if you really want to commit to adding another ten, fifteen, or even twenty pounds to your frame, do not eat anything before you hit all those Christmas parties either. Don’t do it. After all, your hosts will be sure to serve nothing but rich desserts and carb-heavy feasts.
So avoid eating sensible, pre-party dinners at home. That’s a surefire way to kill your temptation to binge on party food. If you eat a reasonable portion of lean protein with green veggies before you hit all those parties, you won’t have any room for appetizers and brownies!
- Whatever you do, don’t drink water throughout the day. Instead, drink calorie-heavy holiday drinks.
Eggnog should do the trick. Just pour some into your Camelbak and start swiggin’. Be sure to drink some beer while watching the Thanksgiving football games … and some wine while getting ready for that office party … and then some holiday cocktails when you get there.
When you drink alcohol, your body will produce a hormone called gelanin, which basically is the hormone that lets you know you are hungry … even if you aren’t!
Some people make the mistake of drinking water throughout the day to buffer the effect of food and alcohol. Big mistake! Water is like kryptonite to your weight-gaining plan. It has this annoying side effect of making you feel satiated. It basically suppresses your appetite.
Oh, and that reminds me of my third tip …
- Scarf down your meals as fast as you can.
Last Saturday, the famous competitive eater Joey Chestnut ate 9.35 pounds of turkey in 10 minutes. You can put Joey to shame: Just binge away!
Eat as though you will never again see another plateful of turkey, mashed potatoes, and stuffing for the rest of your life. And while you are at it, try to eat the entire can of cranberry sauce. Just check out the back of the can: It’s got no nutritional value other than 25 grams of carbs and 21 grams of sugar. You have hit the jackpot. And that jellied goodness is undeniably delicious too.
Here’s the deal: It takes your stomach 20 minutes to let your brain know that it is full. If you relax, chat with your family, eat slowly, and sip some water between bites, your stomach and your brain might catch up. You’ll feel satiated before you have had a chance to gorge yourself.
And that puts your weight-gaining goals in jeopardy!
- Put exercise on the backburner.
Have you ever started exercising, only to find that it makes you want to not only exercise more, but also eat well and get more sleep? It’s called a feedback loop, and it basically means that the positive results you get from living a healthy lifestyle make you want to continue living a healthy lifestyle.
That sounds like a giant, fat recipe for failure! If you make exercising a priority instead of shoving it onto the back-burner where it belongs, you will be less likely to make all those unhealthy choices that result in gaining weight.
Some people wake up on Thanksgiving morning and go out for a Turkey Trot. Or they sign up for a CrossFit class at 8 a.m. on Thanksgiving. Some people even take their families hiking or sledding on Christmas Day.
Can you imagine?
These poor fools are determined to kick off their holidays with a healthy feedback loop. Bless their hearts.
But wait. There is one truly great way to gain weight during the holidays. It’s the mother of all weight gain plans …
- Make sure you have an endless stream of holiday snacks at home at all times.
You know what I’m talking about … all those great treats you never have the chance to eat the rest of the year. Those tins of popcorn are basically a trifecta of weight-gaining potential partitioned into three delicious flavors for your convenience. What about sugar cookies and peppermint bark? Just plop up all on your countertop, prepared to help you pack on every last holiday pound available.
Hey, while you are at it, put some of those red and green M&Ms in a festive bowl, and stick those bad boys on your coffee table so you can nibble endlessly while binge-watching a Law & Order marathon.
Some people decide to keep their households clean of junk food. They figure that if they stock their kitchens with healthy fruits and veggies, good fats, and lean protein, they will limit their unhealthy choices to outside activities. These people are using something called “moderation.” They recognize that the holidays are a time to celebrate and treat themselves, but they decide to limit their indulgences to true celebrations while keeping their homes free of temptation.
Those people are missing out on their true weight-gaining potential. They are probably only going to gain a pound or two, max.
2 rounds for time
40 Squat jumps
60 Jumping lunges
And Coming Thursday